how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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