you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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