I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
