and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
