one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
