I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
