idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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