she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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