rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
