Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
