Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
