please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
