Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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