White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We were destined to go to rehab together
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
