you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
