so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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