Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
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His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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