i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
