I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
