I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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