Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I don't deserve a penis
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
40s are totally the cure
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
