he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
you had me at cake vodka
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
