are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
