He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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