Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize