Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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