I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
