I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You can't motorboat a personality
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
