Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
