yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
