you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
