my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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