i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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