she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
As shirtless as possible
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
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