Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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