my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize