I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
