i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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