i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
