well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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