I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I think people are normalizing furries
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
