found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
