you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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