Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
