I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
