Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
