im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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