The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
