living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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