im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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