I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
