I cannot find my penis.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
