I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
