Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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