Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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